


Cirque Du What The Fuck

by Deathofwords



Category: Cirque du Freak | The Saga of Darren Shan - Darren Shan
Genre: Chatting & Messaging, Darren got wifi in the mountain AU, F/M, Funny, He also taught the vampires how to read and text AU, M/M, Texting, U haven’t done a group chat in a while, group chat au, idk im tired, im bored so, joke
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-18
Updated: 2019-02-06
Packaged: 2019-10-11 23:33:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17456393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deathofwords/pseuds/Deathofwords
Summary: SMELLYSTINKYUGLI: Felt the wrarh of the Gods at Claire’s today.Hot-ShotShan: Oh did u mean Evanna????SnekScäles: ???¿¿¿¿Sn0ring: Just say you got a fucking infection from the piercing gun and go.Quicksilver: everyone else shut up this is the only slightly amusing response.





	1. Lets go Lesbians

**Author's Note:**

> Quicksilver: Larten  
> Hot-ShotShan: Darren  
> G-NOTE: Mika  
> Aarroww: Arrow  
> ParisHilton: Paris  
> SMELLYSTINKYUGLI: Vancha
> 
> (More to be added soon)

**HotShot** - **Shan** **created** **a** **new** **chat**

 

 **Hotshot** - **Shan** **named** **the** **chat** ‘ **Princes** **Of** **Toxic** **Masculinity** **Mountain** ’

 

 **Hotshot** - **Shan** **added**   **ParisHilton** , **Aarroww** , **G** - **NOTE** , **Quicksilver** , **and** **SMELLYSTINKYUGLI** **to** **the** **chat**

 

 **Hotshot** - **Shan** : SUP FUCKERS.

 

 **SMELLYSTINKYUGLI** : SUP SHITHEAD. Is anyone awake???

 

 **G** - **NOTE** : No

 

 **SMELLYSTINKYUGLI** : Liar.

 

 **ParisHilton** : I am! Hello Vancha and Darren! :)

 

 **Quicksilver** : Sire Skyle why is your username a forgotten, useless celebrity from 2006?

 

 **Hotshot** - **Shan** : Oh, haven’t you heard?

 

 **ParisHilton** : Darren said I was named after her! :)

 

 **G** - **NOTE** : uh.

 

 **SMELLYSTINKYUGLI** : wait what

 

 **Quicksilver** :...Sire, that is......Darren, can you mute them for a second?

 

 **Hotshot** - **Shan** : yeah sure hold on.

 

 **Hotshot** - **Shan** **has** **muted** **the** **chat**

 

 **Hotshot** - **Shan** : okay. Its done. whats up?

 

 **Quicksilver** : PARIS SKYLE WAS NOT NAMED AFTER PARIS HILTON YOU FUCKING LITTLE SHIT.

 

 **Hotshot** - **Shan** : Source?

 

 **Quicksilver** : You do not need a source when it is basic fucking knowledge. PARIS SKYLE CAN NOT BE NAMED AFTER SOMEONE WHO WAS BORN IN 21st CENTURY. HE IS OVER 800 YEARS OLD.

 

 **Hotshot** - **Shan** : I’m still waiting on my sources but go off I guess.

 

 **Quicksilver** :...Gods you are insufferable—I think you have been spending too much time with the younger generation of humans.

 

 **Hotshot** - **Shan** : Nah ur just old. But hey! at least I got wifi in the mountain and got everyone on about how to use phones and text! Plus I taught you how to read!

 

 **Quicksilver** : You taught me how to read on a ‘website’ on that infernal glowing blue box with the title of ‘ABCMouse.com’ which is used to teach small human children basics of an alphabet.

 

 **Hotshot** - **Shan** : ...yeah but I still taught u how to read.

 

 **Quicksilver** : When am I going to be dead yet...?

 

 **Hotshot** - **Shan** : Never. Not on MY watch!!!

 

 **Hotshot** - **Shan** **has** **unmuted** **the** **chat**

 

 **Hotshot** - **Shan** : SO LETS GO LESBIANS!!!

 


	2. Pierce my ears fucker

 

 **Quicksilver** **started** **a** **chat** **with** **VampiressBitch**

 

 **Quicksilver** : Hello...? Arra, is this you?

 

 **VampiressBitch** : Maybe. What do you want?

 

 **Quicksilver** : I just wanted to greet you. Good morning.

 

 **VampiressBitch** : Well, good morning to you, Larten...Or shall I call you ‘Quicksilver?’

 

 **Quicksilver** : Darren made this my username or whatever the hell it is called—I cannot change it for some reason.

 

 **VampiressBitch** : Good. I still believe that you have the ‘fastest hands in the world’...Or so you showed me once in the coffin when we were mates.

 

 **Quicksilver** : ARRA.

 

 **VampiressBitch** : I still think very fondly of you, Larten. And I hope you still feel the same.

 

 **Quicksilver** :...Excuse me, but I must go. Darren is calling me. Goodbye.

 

————————————————

 

 **SMELLYSTINKYUGLI** : WHICH ONE OF YOU DUMB MOTHERFUCKERS WANTS TO PIERCE MY EAR!!!!!!?????

 

 **G** - **NOTE** : No one.

 

 **Aarroww** : Wait, what???

 

 **Hot** - **ShotShan** : NOT ME, SIS!!!!

 

 **ParisHilton** : Sire March, what are you speaking of?

 

 **SMELLYSTINKYUGLI** : Sires, I want to have my ear pierced!!!!!

 

 **Quicksilver** : What in the name of Charna’s Guts are you texting about, Sire March!?

 

 **Hot** - **ShotShan** : Vancha wants to get his ear pierced, Mr.Crepsley!!!

 

 **Aarroww** : Isn’t that a human thing or some shit?

 

 **SMELLYSTINKYUGLI** : Yeah but I want to look COOL. Darren was telling me about how some humans make holes in their bodies and then place diamond or gold in them to show off!!! And I decided I want to make a hole in my ear!!! SO WHO WANTS TO DO IT!?

 

 **G** - **NOTE** : NO ONE. Sire March, we don’t have time for this! Sire Skyle, call him into the throne room and yell at him!

 

 **ParisHilton** : Oh, hush Sire Ver Leth! If Sire March wishes to pierce his ear, let him do it!

 

 **Hot** - **ShotShan** : The only question is: Who is gonna do it?

 

 **SMELLYSTINKYUGLI** : Someone with a steady, fast hand.

 

 **Aarroww** : ...Larten could do it.

 

 **Quicksilver** : NO.

 

 **Quicksilver** **has** **left** **the** **chat**

 

 **Hot-ShotShan**   **added** **Quicksilver** **to** **the** **chat**

 

 **Hot** - **ShotShan** : But you would be perfect for it!!!!

 

 **Quicksilver** : I SAID NO.

 

 **STINKYSMELLYUGLI** : LARTEN, AS YOUR PRINCE, I COMMAND YOU TO PIERCE MY EAR.

 

 **ParisHilton** : That is an order, Larten!

 

 **Hot** - **ShotShan** : YEAH, LARTEN!!! PIERCE HIS EAR!!!!

 

 **Quicksilver** : Darren, shut up. Sire March, If you want me to ‘pierce your ear’ come to my quarters and I will do so.

 

 **STINKYSMELLYUGLI** : YAY!

 

 **Hot** - **ShotShan** : Can I live stream it???

 

 **Quicksilver** : Because I do not know what that is, yes, you may ‘live stream’ it.

 

 **SMELLYSTINKYUGLI** : LARTEN IM HERE!!!!

 

 **Quicksilver** : Ugh, okay, fine.

 

 **ParisHilton** : Fellow princes, where are the maps of the tunnels? I cannot find them.

 

 **G** - **NOTE** :...Wait we have maps??? of the tunnels????

 

 **ParisHilton** : >:/

 

 **Aarroww** :................ Ya’ll are slow..........

 

 **Hot** - **ShotShan** : IM SCREAMING OH MY GODSSS

 

 **G** - **NOTE** :???????? why?

 

 **Hot** - **ShotShan** : OKAY SO LIKE,, WHEN VANCHA CAME IN HE GAVE MR.CREPSLEY A NEEDLE AND TOLD HIM TO STICK IT IN HIS RIGHT EAR LOBE AND HE DID BUT THE NEEDLE GOT STUCK AND NOW VANCHA IS BLEEDING AND HOWLING. MR.CREPSLEY IS JUST CURSING AND SCREAMING NOW ALONG WITH VANCHA. THERESFUCKING BLOOD EVERYWHERE.

 

 **G** - **NOTE** : mcyikes.

 

 **ParisHilton** : Kinky.

 

 **Aarroww** : wtf...

 

 **Hot** - **ShotShan** : UPDATE LARTEN RIPPED THE NEEDLE OUT OF VANCHAS EAR THROUGH THE OTHER END. NOW THERE IS JUST A MASSIVE FUCKING HOLE IN HIS EAR.

 

 **Aarroww** : Does it look cool though?????

 

 **Quicksilver** : No.

 

 **Hot** - **ShotShan** : It looks like a five year old did it lol.

 

 **Quicksilver** **has** **kicked** **Hot** - **ShotShan** **from** **the** **chat**

 

 **ParisHilton** : -.-

 

 **G** - **NOTE** : All right enough of this lets get back to work.

 

 **Aarroww** : Shouldn’t we add Darren back to the chat?

 

 **G** - **NOTE** : Nah


End file.
